Stress Relief and Prayers

Is it weird? Now that this test is over, I'm feeling way less stress...sure I didn't exactly pass it with flying colors...no I don't think that I even really passed it at all...

But I'm truly determined to do well on the rest of my assignments that I have to turn in for this semester. If I can do that and pass the final with like, an 84 then I can totally pull it out for this semester. Dear Heaven and Father above, I really pray that I can pass this semester. I don't want to have to repeat! I really really don't.

Pray for me....please...

<3 Pixi

Focus and Time Management...Why Can't I?

It's the end of the semester. I'm starting to lose control. I have so much to get through and not enough time to do so. My butt is officially kicked. I'm having such a hard time staying focused!

How do you force yourself to focus on something when you feel like you have more than surpassed your limit?!

I need to sleep for a few hours...then I can go back to studying...and I need to stop wasting so much time...

<3 Pixi

Spring has Sprung

So I have always loved it when the seasons change. Unfortunately, season changes don't love me. I have always had really severe allergies so my winter to spring transition is the worst, and this year is no different.

I woke up today and I can NOT breathe and I can BARELY see. It's annoying and ridiculous and I feel absolutely miserable. I still have 2 more hours of class plus two tests I need to take. This is ridiculous. Grr...

From Doubt and Fear to Faith and Trust

I watched as the life faded from her eyes. Her heart was still beating, her body was still alive, but for a time...she wasn't there anymore.
I don't think anything in my life has ever scared me more than seeing that this morning...
I have been continually questioning myself since then. How could I just stand there? Why didn't I realize she was going into an arrest? Why couldn't I move at first? Why didn't I DO something?! ....why didn't I do something?

Did you ever not realize what you were looking at until afterwards?

I've always been able to compartmentalize; to separate my feelings from my work and school. In a professional setting, I have never lost control of my emotions. Even afterwards, I've been able to recognize the emotions I was feeling without actually giving in to them...

Today that changed...today...
Something inside, my wall that has kept me safe for so long, fell and was demolished...it broke...and now...I'm really not sure how to recover myself. How to be...me, again.

Today I grieved over the loss of a woman who never died...but my heart ached anyways. She survived, but I felt like I lost her anyways, because when they coded her, it was like they were having to resuscitate a piece of me too.

As I drove home I realized, with tears in my eyes that this woman I barely knew, who hardly spoken to me at all...reminded me of my grandmother. Nanny has been sick a long time, and she's only getting worse. Doctors don't think there is anything they can do for her anymore, and as I stood there incapable of doing anything to help this patient, I saw my Nanny, knowing there really isn't anything anyone can do to help her anymore. I grieved the loss of my grandmother. For now, I'm going to take advantage of any and all time I get with her, because she doesn't have much time left.

Funny how things that are so dramatic and drastic can really help to put your life into perspective some. It took some time to process, but now that I have, I really want to do well in school.

How can I truly help anyone else when I am still feeling inadequate and helpless?

I know that everyone has been telling me that I can't save everyone. It's not my plan, it's Heavenly Father's. what he wants to happen will always happen. And I know that that is true, but I also know that the actions of one person can change the course of a lifetime. We are given our agency for a reason and God adjusts His plan according to the choices that WE make. Don't get me wrong, the things He wants to happen will always happen, just not always in the way or through the person it was originally intended to happen through. That is because of our agency; and I can't help but wonder if I'm exercising mine in the right way...should I be making different choices right now?
Sometimes I don't know...what if I'm not supposed to be a nurse at all? I love it, and I'm too far in to quit now, but sometimes I still wonder what else I could have done...

And now...as I think about it more...I know...just like they said over and over again in General Conference...and just like the title of my blog lists...I need to believe and trust more because:

Faith Overcomes Doubt.

And it always will.

<3Pixi

The Heart of the Matter

Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the right path...if my life and the choices I'm making are really taking me to where I'm supposed to be. How do you know?
...More on that later...

Someone asked me today, what I thought "the point of relationships is," it took me a while to answer her, mostly because I wasn't sure exactly how to phrase what I wanted to say. It's not every day that people ask questions like that, and I wanted to make sure that my answer was not just "accurate" but meaningful, to me, too.

Here's what I said to her:
"To me? I guess the point is that when you care more about someone than you do yourself, you want to dedicate yourself to trying to make them happy...and that means a monogamous relationship. I feel like the other person in my relationships is my priority. I want them to be happy always and I put all my effort into trying to make things work and to helping them. For me, vocalizing a relationship, is a promise that that is what I'm working on doing.
"I'm not saying that everything in a relationship will always be happy and perfect, it won't. I'm saying that I put the other person's needs and happiness before my own.
"I guess for me, saying I'm in a relationship with someone is hard, because it also means that in trusting them with MY happiness, my needs, as well...it's a promise that if I make them a priority in my life, they'll do the same for me.
"It's a promise to invest myself, heart and soul in another person and to close my eyes and leap. To put every effort I can muster into trying to see if the relationship is feasible, to see if it is one that can last for eternity.
"...I don't know if that makes sense to you, or if it sounds silly, but that's how I view relationships...to me it's so much more than, "I like this person and I want a boyfriend" to me, it's a promise of myself, that I'm putting myself into it and putting in the effort to try and make things work."

Sorry. I know that was long. If anyone out there in cyberspace actually reads this, answer these questions for yourself...
What do YOU believe the point of a relationship is? Why do you get into a relationship? What does it mean to you to be in a relationship with someone?
I'd love to know your answers....

<3

Positive Outlook - Time to Smile :)

So the semester is going to be drawing to a close soon, that means my little sister is going to be home from college in a week or two. I'm super excited to see her, I've missed her a LOT. I can NOT wait until she and I get to hang out this summer. But I do have some things I need to take care of first, like filling out my externship application for the hospital I want to work at this summer as well as my EFY health counselor application.

In other news, yesterday was a pretty awesome day at clinical. I was pairs with this awesome nurse, Karen. She is super smart, but more than that, she really challenged me to think. I was "assigned" 2 patients, but being paired with Karen, it was more like I had 4 patients. It was definitely really cool, and a much more realistic view of what being a nurse would be like. It DEFINITELY kept me busy all day. On top of that, I got to start my very first real person IV! I got it on my first stick, even if I had to chase after the vein a little, it was really cool to know that I was capable of doing it.

After I got home I took a wonderful, refreshing, and long nap. So, basically, it was an overall pretty awesome day. When I'm done at class today, I'll go home and work on more schoolwork in preparation for this weekend. It should be super fun. A dance, and a hike. Fingers crossed.

<3 Pixi

Panic to Peace, and Learning to Trust

Thinking back on my post a few days ago, there was so much more I wanted to write. Unfortunately I tend to write longer posts in the first place, so I didn't really want to overwhelm anyone that MIGHT possibly come across my blog.

But, as these things tend to go, I can no longer even remember what it was I wanted to say...funny how that happens.

So many things can happen in such a short period of time...I guess I'm realizing now more than ever that I need to spend my time much more wisely. I'm a chronic procrastinator, and it's causing me more problems than I should have to deal with right now, but I'm also getting answers...answers that I was afraid wouldn't bring me anymore comfort than the inner turmoil I have been dealing with since December...

I guess I've been thinking a LOT about serving a mission for my church, it would be 18 months of proselyting, but logistically for the other choices I'm making in my life right now it just doesn't seem feasible. I've been stressing sooo much about how to make that work, but then there was General Conference this past weekend. It was amazing. I got so many answers that I didn't even realize that I needed. Those answers were about serving a mission, and other things in my life...turns out I don't need all the answers right now, it's okay if I don't know yet, I need to trust that everything works out the way it's supposed to. :)

<3 Pixi

Some Semblance of Normalcy

So, I flaked on the pictures of my New York/New Jersey clean up trip.  And I flaked even harder on the stories of it that I wanted to share.  BUT, I'm certain as this blog continues, I will get around to posting them.

Goodness knows I've never been very good about journaling, so this is my awareness project in working on it...well other than my actual journal which will forever remain hidden from the eyes of the world.

Sometimes I realize that I really do have a problem...its not really anything major compared to most people...but it is a problem.  Since my sophomore year of high school I have suffered from Depression.  It sucks.  It sucks worse because I know that I should take my prescribed medication, but often just don't feel like it.  Then on occasion that depression will spiral out of control and I become some crazy, emotional, raging monster.  Once I realize it I start taking the medication again, and honestly there isn't really a reason I should ever stop taking it...I don't have any bad side effects from it or anything.  But I'm prideful and vain and don't like to admit that I struggle with depression and that its not something that I can control of my own volition.  ....It's hard to admit your weaknesses to other, let alone to yourself.

I guess putting it out there should eventually help me, but its still not something about myself that I'm necessarily proud of...not that there is really any reason to be ashamed.

It's interesting to see the negative stigma that is so closely attached to Mental Illness.  While I've been studying Psychiatric Nursing this semester, I've come to realize how much of a stereotype and negative connotation I myself associate with it...and I know better!  Mental Illness is just like any Medical Illness.  Its something that is out of our direct control.  There is so much about the brain that we don't know!  Because of this so much of mental illness is not understood.  So many people believe and think that you can just "choose" not to be mentally ill.  It is NOT a choice.  People who suffer from Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Mental Illnesses -- they are NOT in control of what they see or hear or feel sometimes, and they don't know how to change it on their own, often because they can't.  I'm not saying that I'm anymore comfortable dealing with mental illness than I was before.  But I do understand it better, and I understand those suffering from it.  One of the biggest things to overcome is denial, and I guess I'm still working on that.  I'm really working on learning to accept myself; I want to love me for me.

More Later
<3 Pixi