Side effects?

Ever had a day that you thought was gonna start out great, but then you end up wondering why you are where you are, doing what you're doing?

I'm kind of having that feeling right now. I woke up feeling great today, so I went to the church to play volleyball. But it got kind of...well out of control. Don't get me wrong. I'm competitive, I enjoy playing hard. But I don't like it when people start getting angry and yelling and for me it was a little too much to handle today.

This medication is really messing with how I normally react to stuff. It's like I'm more sensitive now to stuff and it's kind of making me a little crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm more in control than I ever have been in my entire life, but I don't like feeling upset. And it's weird little things that are setting me off right now that ordinarily wouldn't bother me. Hopefully this is just a temporary side effect and with practice I can get a better handle on it. It'll be okay. Right?

<3 Pixi

Turning Selfish into Selfless: The Journey Begins

So about a week ago...well, not even. I was going to write this really angry, teen angst esque post. I wrote it, but didn't post it because 1. I don't think it is ever okay to say something in anger that you may regret later and 2. I'm a big fat wimp and didn't want people to know how I felt because it scares me.

In any case, after writing that post that I never posted, I realized that I can be a completely selfish and self-centered person. It  becomes the "all about me" show. But I truly don't want to be that way...I don't even consciously realize that I do that. My reactions and questions to people tend to be based upon my own interests instead of focusing on the other people around me.

How did I get to be so selfish?

It's a question I've been asking myself a lot the past week or two...and I'm finally starting to see it. It's a cliche metaphor, but many people relate the way they protect themselves to walls.  My walls are more than that, mine are an all out reinforced military outpost under siege. I don't just hide behind walls. I hide behind tanks, machine guns, and F16 fighter jets.

I don't like to let people in close enough to hurt me. Because if I don't let them in then it won't hurt when they or I leave. I'll move on quicker when they hurt my feelings, and what they think of me won't effect me as much. I still care for them, but I only let them close enough to see a little of who I am. They get one side of me. That's it. Otherwise I end up going on the offensive to protect myself...you know, the best defense is a good offense ;p

I'm not saying it's a healthy reaction, my mom pointed out very specifically how dysfunctional I am emotionally, but I think I wrote about that previously. 

I guess, in realizing how selfish my behavior is, and knowing that all I've ever wanted to do is to help others and to be there, especially for the people I love, I've decided that I want to be better. I don't want to be selfish. So I'm working on listening, and on truly focusing on others and less on myself. When you lose yourself in love and service of others, that's when you truly find yourself.

So I've set some daily tasks and some long term goals for focusing less on me and more on others...I'll detail those later. For now, I really need to sleep. Sweet dreams everyone.

<3 Pixi

Stress Relief and Prayers

Is it weird? Now that this test is over, I'm feeling way less stress...sure I didn't exactly pass it with flying colors...no I don't think that I even really passed it at all...

But I'm truly determined to do well on the rest of my assignments that I have to turn in for this semester. If I can do that and pass the final with like, an 84 then I can totally pull it out for this semester. Dear Heaven and Father above, I really pray that I can pass this semester. I don't want to have to repeat! I really really don't.

Pray for me....please...

<3 Pixi

Focus and Time Management...Why Can't I?

It's the end of the semester. I'm starting to lose control. I have so much to get through and not enough time to do so. My butt is officially kicked. I'm having such a hard time staying focused!

How do you force yourself to focus on something when you feel like you have more than surpassed your limit?!

I need to sleep for a few hours...then I can go back to studying...and I need to stop wasting so much time...

<3 Pixi

Spring has Sprung

So I have always loved it when the seasons change. Unfortunately, season changes don't love me. I have always had really severe allergies so my winter to spring transition is the worst, and this year is no different.

I woke up today and I can NOT breathe and I can BARELY see. It's annoying and ridiculous and I feel absolutely miserable. I still have 2 more hours of class plus two tests I need to take. This is ridiculous. Grr...

From Doubt and Fear to Faith and Trust

I watched as the life faded from her eyes. Her heart was still beating, her body was still alive, but for a time...she wasn't there anymore.
I don't think anything in my life has ever scared me more than seeing that this morning...
I have been continually questioning myself since then. How could I just stand there? Why didn't I realize she was going into an arrest? Why couldn't I move at first? Why didn't I DO something?! ....why didn't I do something?

Did you ever not realize what you were looking at until afterwards?

I've always been able to compartmentalize; to separate my feelings from my work and school. In a professional setting, I have never lost control of my emotions. Even afterwards, I've been able to recognize the emotions I was feeling without actually giving in to them...

Today that changed...today...
Something inside, my wall that has kept me safe for so long, fell and was demolished...it broke...and now...I'm really not sure how to recover myself. How to be...me, again.

Today I grieved over the loss of a woman who never died...but my heart ached anyways. She survived, but I felt like I lost her anyways, because when they coded her, it was like they were having to resuscitate a piece of me too.

As I drove home I realized, with tears in my eyes that this woman I barely knew, who hardly spoken to me at all...reminded me of my grandmother. Nanny has been sick a long time, and she's only getting worse. Doctors don't think there is anything they can do for her anymore, and as I stood there incapable of doing anything to help this patient, I saw my Nanny, knowing there really isn't anything anyone can do to help her anymore. I grieved the loss of my grandmother. For now, I'm going to take advantage of any and all time I get with her, because she doesn't have much time left.

Funny how things that are so dramatic and drastic can really help to put your life into perspective some. It took some time to process, but now that I have, I really want to do well in school.

How can I truly help anyone else when I am still feeling inadequate and helpless?

I know that everyone has been telling me that I can't save everyone. It's not my plan, it's Heavenly Father's. what he wants to happen will always happen. And I know that that is true, but I also know that the actions of one person can change the course of a lifetime. We are given our agency for a reason and God adjusts His plan according to the choices that WE make. Don't get me wrong, the things He wants to happen will always happen, just not always in the way or through the person it was originally intended to happen through. That is because of our agency; and I can't help but wonder if I'm exercising mine in the right way...should I be making different choices right now?
Sometimes I don't know...what if I'm not supposed to be a nurse at all? I love it, and I'm too far in to quit now, but sometimes I still wonder what else I could have done...

And now...as I think about it more...I know...just like they said over and over again in General Conference...and just like the title of my blog lists...I need to believe and trust more because:

Faith Overcomes Doubt.

And it always will.

<3Pixi