Side effects?

Ever had a day that you thought was gonna start out great, but then you end up wondering why you are where you are, doing what you're doing?

I'm kind of having that feeling right now. I woke up feeling great today, so I went to the church to play volleyball. But it got kind of...well out of control. Don't get me wrong. I'm competitive, I enjoy playing hard. But I don't like it when people start getting angry and yelling and for me it was a little too much to handle today.

This medication is really messing with how I normally react to stuff. It's like I'm more sensitive now to stuff and it's kind of making me a little crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm more in control than I ever have been in my entire life, but I don't like feeling upset. And it's weird little things that are setting me off right now that ordinarily wouldn't bother me. Hopefully this is just a temporary side effect and with practice I can get a better handle on it. It'll be okay. Right?

<3 Pixi

Turning Selfish into Selfless: The Journey Begins

So about a week ago...well, not even. I was going to write this really angry, teen angst esque post. I wrote it, but didn't post it because 1. I don't think it is ever okay to say something in anger that you may regret later and 2. I'm a big fat wimp and didn't want people to know how I felt because it scares me.

In any case, after writing that post that I never posted, I realized that I can be a completely selfish and self-centered person. It  becomes the "all about me" show. But I truly don't want to be that way...I don't even consciously realize that I do that. My reactions and questions to people tend to be based upon my own interests instead of focusing on the other people around me.

How did I get to be so selfish?

It's a question I've been asking myself a lot the past week or two...and I'm finally starting to see it. It's a cliche metaphor, but many people relate the way they protect themselves to walls.  My walls are more than that, mine are an all out reinforced military outpost under siege. I don't just hide behind walls. I hide behind tanks, machine guns, and F16 fighter jets.

I don't like to let people in close enough to hurt me. Because if I don't let them in then it won't hurt when they or I leave. I'll move on quicker when they hurt my feelings, and what they think of me won't effect me as much. I still care for them, but I only let them close enough to see a little of who I am. They get one side of me. That's it. Otherwise I end up going on the offensive to protect myself...you know, the best defense is a good offense ;p

I'm not saying it's a healthy reaction, my mom pointed out very specifically how dysfunctional I am emotionally, but I think I wrote about that previously. 

I guess, in realizing how selfish my behavior is, and knowing that all I've ever wanted to do is to help others and to be there, especially for the people I love, I've decided that I want to be better. I don't want to be selfish. So I'm working on listening, and on truly focusing on others and less on myself. When you lose yourself in love and service of others, that's when you truly find yourself.

So I've set some daily tasks and some long term goals for focusing less on me and more on others...I'll detail those later. For now, I really need to sleep. Sweet dreams everyone.

<3 Pixi